in the final analysis, all moments are key moments..

bliss.

2009-05-30T15:45:00.003-06:00

I spent the afternoon languishing (the word is appropriate, I swear) by the pool with about a gazillion other sun worshipers. Then I swam some laps. I am gaining my muscle back and really enjoying the feel of being one with my body again--making it do whatever it is I feel like doing.
Now, I am on the couch with Jason Mraz and some watermelon and an oversized tshirt, enjoying singed skin, waiting for Ryan to drive up in the Scout I can hear all the way from the interstate, to ride over with no top (on the Scout, not me) to the park to kick a ball around and then go jump into another pool and see Nathan Shirai and then grill out.

There is no expression strong enough to insert here. I love the summertime with my whole being. :)

Just felt like sharing.

Raw Material

2009-04-17T21:06:00.002-06:00

It is as well to put this the other way round. Some of us who seem quite nice people may, in fact, have made so little use of a good heredity and a good upbringing that we are really worse than those whom we regard as fiends. ...God does not judge [a man] on the raw material at all, but on what he has done with it. --C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Yikes.

Your Daily Dose of Genius

2009-02-12T15:00:00.001-06:00

From C.S. Lewis' Lilies That Fester:

'Hypocrisy is not the only evil they encourage. There are, in 'piety' and 'culture', states which, if less culpable, are no less disastrous. In the one we have the "Goody-goody"; the docile youth who has neither revolted against nor risen above the routine pietisms and respectabilities of his home. His conformity has won the approval of his parents, his influential neighbors, and his own conscience. He does not know that he has missed anything and is content. In the other, we have the adaptable youth to whom poetry has always been something "set" for "evaluation." Success in this exercise has given him pleasure and let him into the ruling class. He does not know what he has missed, does not know that poetry ever had any other purpose, and is content.

Both types are much to be pitied; but both can sometimes be very nasty. Both may exibit spiritual pride, but each in its proper form, since the one has succeeded by acquiescence and repression, but the other by repeated victory in competitive performances. To the pride of the one, sly, simpering, and demure, we might apply the word "smug." My epithet for the other would, I think, be "swaggering." It tends in my experience to be raw, truculent, eager to give pain, insatiable in its demands for submission, resentful and suspicious of disagreement... And perhaps both types are less curable than the hypocrite proper. A hypocrite might (conceivably) repent and mend; or he might be unmasked and rendered innocuous. But who could bring to repentance, and who can unmask, those who were attempting no deception? who don't know that they are not the real thing because they don't know that there ever was a real thing?

...Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds.'

Sunday.

2009-02-08T16:41:00.003-06:00

I have conflicting feelings about the weather, today. My skin is so relieved to feel warmth and sunshine when I go outside. I feel more alive than I have in months, as though something inside is rolling over and coming out of hibernation (I'm telling you- I am a summertime girl, at heart!). But it's February 8th, and it's just a tease. And in a couple of days, it is going to be bitterly cold again. And I am going to be so sad.
I identify entirely with animals that sleep the whole winter. I could do it if I was allowed to.

But today is rousing visions and memories of summers in the South. My mouth is watering for a burger, and I would do just about anything to be sitting on the river on a boat with a coke in my hand, surrounded by the people that I love, with my skin feeling singed and browned and my hair crunchy, feeling the undulating of the boat over the waves and the hum of the motor. Just about anything.

Summer in the South is about friendship, family, and being outside. It is sitting on a dock, porch, boat, or lawn all day long, feeling the day stretch on and on, surrounded by your nearest and dearest and not wishing to be any other place in the whole world. It is sitting quietly with a beer, coke, or iced tea in your hand, watching the sun set on the water or behind the trees, hearing cicadas and crickets coming out, feeling exhausted and also tingly with being alive. If there are kids around, they will be catching fireflies and playing ball or tag, and their laughter will mingle with the evening sounds and drift around the neighborhood or across the water to neighboring docks and boats. Dinner is grilled chicken, steak, or burgers. Sometimes there's a fire after dark, and the conversation and company will continue under the stars.
Company, here, isn't about impressing anybody or being anybody. There is no pressure to perform, no cattiness, no drama and no pretense. It is just about loving the ones you're with, shooting the breeze, laughing it up, being genuine, having a blast.
It's amazing how easy it is to sit and talk all day long, how possible it is to feel completely satisfied with the company and the activities for the day, to feel that of all the places you could be and of all the things you could be doing, this is the best of both.

I miss the summer, and I love the South.

I love all things Spanish.

2009-01-26T21:32:00.002-06:00

Seriously. I am fascinated by the culture. The food, the dark eyes and hair, the music, the language, the dancing. Oh, the dancing. The Y has a class called Zumba that is basically a cardio dance class, and tonight's was taught by a Brazilian woman. And I mean, I know it was an exercise class- but it was set to Latin music and most of it was variations on salsa dancing, with a little booty droppin' mixed in. I LOVED IT. There is nothing sexier (lightheartedly sexy, you understand... I am not trying to seduce the class) than Latin dancing, and nothing more fun. I will fo' sho' be going back.

I tried to get people to start going salsa dancing once a week last year, but it didn't really work out.. It's too far away, I think, which is too bad because it was so much fun.

I have also wanted to learn Spanish since the summer before my freshman year of college, but apparently never really put forth the effort.. I would really like to change that this year. I'd love to eventually be fluent.

I should've been born someplace with more flava. :)

Also, yes, hi, I am writing a blog. Maybe a lot of things will change this year...

2009 is starting off well.

2009-01-02T17:01:00.002-06:00

Goal for the year: that It's Amazing What Can Happen When You Get Off Your Ass. will be an appropriate title to sum it all up.

So far, so good!

Happy New Year!

random

2008-12-10T12:22:00.002-06:00

http://www.eso.org/public/outreach/press-rel/pr-2008/pr-46-08.html

We-- spirit and breath, dust and blood--are sitting on a giant rock hurtling through space amongst flaming balls of gas, all orbiting around a gigantic ball of absolute nothingness.

This is profound to me.

Thought of the Day (Week?)

2008-10-13T21:25:00.001-06:00

"Justice is what love looks like in public."

(I might alter it with "mercy" instead of "justice"... but they are both true.)

World Next Door Market

2008-06-30T21:32:00.005-06:00

Hey friends. I don't really know who reads this thing, but for those of you who do-- I want to tell you about something cool.

A very dear friend of mine, Nathan, and his wife Jency work for a shop in downtown Chattanooga called the World Next Door Market. Their story is a very cool one, as God put them together and then basically orchestrated their work simultaneously--but what I want to talk about is the store.

The mission of the store, from what I gather, is basically twofold: to help relieve poverty around the world by establishing a fair-trade outlet for artisans, with whom they work to build relationships, AND to spread the Gospel to those who haven't heard, by way of this work. The shop carries goods from all over the world, ranging from coffee to clothing to canoes to dishes to stationary... you name it. It's all hand-crafted in some way or another, and it's all very much cooler than what you can buy at Target. And when you buy it, you're saving somebody from hunger rather than supporting the corporate machine. Interested yet?

Ryan and I got to sit down with Nate and Jency the other night and talk to them about their work, and I was really struck by how straightforward and effective it is. They are really interested in providing fair revenue to people, but they are also simultaneously very interested in the people. The Shirais seek out people who are helping their own communities with their business, and they are also very intentional about taking the love of Christ with them to wherever they provide business. And both of those things get done. It works. And as the business grows, it makes both missions more possible, as they'll be able to visit some of the places themselves and meet the people, love on them, and share Jesus with them.

Pretty awesome. Forgive the long-winded post, but this is where you come in: Buy stuff. ;) Or if you don't want to buy stuff, just spread the word, because it's definitely a word worth spreading, and word of mouth is by far the best advertisement. Go take a look around their website, look at their merch, check out their mission and their blog... and then link to them on your blog or website. You can even just copy and paste what you've found here to make it easy. If you have friends who are shopping, point them that way- I guarantee you they'll find something cool. And if you're shopping, same story!

Thanks for reading guys. It really is a cool thing. Helping people is fantastic; giving them Jesus while you do it is the end-all of fabulous.

If you want to hear more about it from one of them, I know they'd love to talk to you about it so contact them through the blog or the website. Otherwise, shop it up and spread the word!

Hopeful.

2008-05-28T21:35:00.003-06:00

I applied for my dream job, last weekend. I didn't know I had a dream job, but when I saw it-- for this season in my life, oh, it's perfect. The only problem being that 500 other people will probably apply for it, too, and many of them will have more years of qualifications than I do. But I am hoping that passion counts, too, and that it will come through in the application and cover letter. And, of course, that God has a plan, and that He might convievably even care about this recent little dream of mine!

The job is with Compassion International, as a Church Relations Director for the South/Southeast region of the U.S. Basically, my job would be to establish and maintain relationships with 100+ churches in the region on behalf of Compassion, convincing them to partner with us to work at relieving the extreme situations of thousands upon thousands of children internationally. I'd also be doing some international travel.

This job is perfect because:

1. I discovered about 3 years ago that a huge portion of my heart desires to be a motivator to the [American] Church; to help her get over any stagnation or prejudice and act on behalf of world relief, because that is [at least a large part of] what she is here to do. And that would be my job. My job would be to do what I am passionate about doing. Are you kidding?

2. I love, love, love to travel. This job is 40% travel. Does not require further explanation.

3. My job would make a difference in the world. A big one. I would get to work with Christians, build relationships, and help people reach out to make a difference. This means that on the best days, I'd be a fireball of energy, but also that even on the worst ones-- you know, when it's raining outside and you're exhausted I don't want to get out of bed--I'd know that what I am going to do that day is going to change somebody's life, somewhere. And that's worth getting up for.

I just checked the status of my application online and it says, "being reviewed." I'm so antsy, so hopeful.. that kind of hope that feels ridiculous (what are my chances?) but is also so very possible that I just can't help but hang on to it. I want to call Compassion and tell them: I know I can do this job well! I know I can get people fired up; get them involved; help you reach your goals, make a difference in the world! That's what I was made to do!

But I'm refraining. So right now, and until I hear something, there is just a constant undercurrent of prayer to my days of, "Please, oh please, please, please..." And a hope that God, for whatever reason, has favor in mind with me on this one!

If you wanted to do the same, I wouldn't stop you. :)

2008-04-30T20:41:00.003-06:00

you drink the cup to the bottom, but it burns in your hands. the cup was poured out on the Maker instead.

when i have nothing left, there is this one line of burning, wondrous truth that fills my cup up. and i am full.

out on the green plains, i am but a ghost, bound up with all that i call 'mine'... but still the Light grows.

the flaming lips

2008-04-17T18:30:00.003-06:00

oh to fight is to defend;

if it's not now then tell me when

would be the time that you would stand up and be a man?

for to lose i could accept

but to surrender, i just wept

and regretted this moment, that i, i played the fool

'cause i'm a man, not a boy

and there are things you can't avoid

you have to face them when you're not prepared to face them

i can't tell where the sunbeams end and the starlight begins

it's all a mystery

lots of lyrics lately. yes, i know they're ambiguous to everyone but me. it's okay.

it would be a lie

2008-04-13T21:58:00.003-06:00

and heaven knows, heaven knows

i've tried to find a cure for the pain

oh my lord, to suffer like you do

it would be a lie to run away

2008-04-04T20:56:00.003-06:00

oh love that will not let me go

i rest my weary soul in Thee

i give Thee back the life i owe

that in Thine ocean depths its flow may richer, fuller be!

oh joy that seekest me through pain

i cannot close my heart to Thee

i trace the rainbow through the rain

and trust the promise is not vain, that morn shall tearless be!

oh cross that liftest up my head

i dare not ask to fly from thee

i lay in last life's glory dead

and from the ground there blossoms red life that shall endless be!

2008-04-02T11:46:00.002-06:00

I like updating from the airport. It makes me feel sophisticated and world-traveling.

;) I'M GOING TO THE BEACH!

See you when I get back.

till the darkness bleeds daylight

2008-03-31T19:10:00.002-06:00

Things happening in Cape Town

I just like knowing things like this that are going on in the world. (P.S. You can be a part of it... www.mochaclub.org). wonder if there's a possibility of doing some sort of practicum at the Living Hope Center. Holy cooooooow, that would be incredible.

Happy Easter

2008-03-22T23:15:00.001-06:00

Praise to the One who paid my debt, Who raises life up from the dead!

tell them that the house is not for sale

2008-03-13T22:51:00.003-06:00

friends are not just friends. they are also concepts, ways of life, aspects of your personality. sometimes they are entire eras.

that is why one afternoon can make you feel both strange and at home, why something you thought was so very specific feels like it alters your whole world. because in some way, it does.

and it is good.

talking crazy on the driver's side

2008-02-18T22:01:00.005-06:00

i should be studying for a microbiology midterm. i really should. but i am reverting to old habits, and so instead, i'm not studying. i am doing anything else i can find to do but study. this is not good.

i just keep thinking about how beautiful my life has been. the last few days, i have been thinking of college, particularly, at belmont. what a phenomenal, heartbreaking, soul-forming, joyful, fun, hilarious, tragic, breathtaking and beautiful time that was. today i found myself almost in tears with the longing to go back there and watch it all over again.. not live it, necessarily, but just watch it all happen so i could appreciate it more.

i kept thinking of freshman year, of being so.. fresh.. and so scared and so excited all at once. of the incredible thing that happens when you go to a place where you know no one, and make all these friends from all over the country, people who will eventually or sometimes immediately change your life. i remember meeting some of them precisely; i remember the first words they said to me. others i have no idea how friendship happened; i just know that it did.

i keep in touch with none of them the way that i should, and many of them probably don't even have any idea how much they mean to me. i should fix that.

there was laura from chicago, fallon from arizona, sheila from california, erin from florida, sara from pennsylvania, becky from indiana, tiffany wharton from.. i have no idea where she's from, but i really liked her. (later. at first i did not. i can't remember why. i think she complained because our music was too loud.). kristine from virginia/maryland. beth from pennsylvania, collett from georgia, bridget from pennsylvania. justin tam from california, tripp from nashville, matt from.. somewhere. emmy from nashville. and later, lucy from tennessee, lauren from new jersey, nathan and cliff from my hometown, caleb from... california? i know you lived there for a while.. people from just everywhere, is my point, and a hundred more i've left out, and somehow we all got along and some of us even came to love each other. amazing.

do you know, i used to walk around campus and hear some of the best music you'd hear anywhere? obviously, some of you do know. you were there. but in case you weren't. people would sit outside and just play and sing.. the guitar, the cello, the violin, the bongos (does anybody else remember bongo girl?), the mandolin, the steel guitar. just sit, outside the music building or in the middle of the quad or smack in the middle of a hallway, for that matter, and play their hearts out. it was amazing. i sat in the lobby of my dorm with chris rice, backstage at a charity showcase with kathy mattea and mike-y smith, in a young life christmas party with most or all of jars. not that those things matter, really, but come on. it was awesome for us, and it should have been.

anyway. the late nights, the filthy rooms, the birth of nicknames (that have stuck), heartbreak, lasting love, good and bad music, first drinks, surgeries, deaths. impromptu cafeteria songs (thank you, pat gann, why did you have to leave?), road trips, professors you could learn from AND talk to, professors you couldn't (no thanks are offered to you, 'professor' real-estate-whose-name-i-cannot-even-remember). some REALLY awkward conversations, often thanks to me.. hahahaha. and some wonderful ones. sitting with two of my best friends' heads in my lap with tears in their eyes, hating that they were hurting but being so very glad they trusted me enough to do that.

people got speeding tickets in my car. people peed in it. not intentionally. actually, that may have been the same person. people went 38 hours without any sleep and got captured on video.people went on road trips with insane people who happen to be the boyfriends of other insane people (jackie, why WERE you sitting with your nose in the corner under your bed that time i walked into your room?). people came home with me and lived at my house for the weekend. we sat and sang in stairwells, we prayed for each other, we went to doctor's appointments with each other. we lived together. functionally. (sometimes.). we bought a trampoline. i gained 15 pounds of pure wendy's by halfway through the first semester. weekly time with laura dudich, now grant, from first semester to last. she is still the only person i know who understands some parts of me. the opening concert of senior year, tim wildsmith, standing next to erin and knowing this is it. london. graduation.

i just cannot get over it. it was phenomenal. i do not want to forget, or to completely lose the people i came to know. i am thankful to remember so much. i wish i remembered more.

anyway. i guess maybe now i will go study. maybe.

as you go your own way, remember do not be afraid. because you're right where you should be: in capital city.

i will always love you, like a long goodbye.

august and everything after

2008-02-15T18:15:00.002-06:00

It was Valentine's Day yesterday, and for some reason I am picking this occasion to start posting again. At least, posting again once. Who knows if it'll continue.

It was a long day today, but I am tired in a pleasant sort of way (and not trying to rhyme, really). It has been a long couple of months, but I am happy. And yeah.. there WAS growth.

Anyway, I love Valentine's Day and always have. It's just a sweet day. All the way back to second grade when we decorated shoeboxes to bring in (I think I still have mine) to keep all our Valentines in, to taking part in friends' Valentines through the years (so sweet) to yesterday's beautiful bouquet of tulips and roses from SPHV (Super Punk Hooker Valentine) who I love so much it hurts, and heart-shaped container of my favorite chocolate (ferrero rocher) from Carson, my sweet little 3 year old friend. Awwww. Any day dedicated to love is all right with me.

I am studying for midterms and applying for scholarship this weekend, and I am going to the beach in 2 weeks. Praise. God. I can't wait. Lazy drives on Gulf Blvd, sand, ocean, slurpees, books, sushi, cuban sandwiches in bathing suits, and fabulous boyfriend with his fabulous parents. Oh, joy, please come faster.

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day! I hope yours was as good as mine.

God's theme for the days?

2007-08-26T19:33:00.000-06:00

"and when you get the chance to sit it out or dance... i hope you dance."

yes. i am with you, christine.

it's going to be a good year.

all these old phrases have too many ghosts

2007-06-21T18:27:00.000-06:00

my skin is dark and smells like sunscreen and the sun, my stomach is hungry, and i had some very good time with a good friend today, and i am happy. it's been such a good week, since last week's beach-time that is always so clearing and grounding for me. i was reminded of the joy to be found in living, not just in "free time" but in every moment; of offering our gifts, however small, to be used. and i was reminded, as strange as this will sound, of who i am and have always been. sometimes the memories we have are more like looking back on a story instead of remembering our own lives- at least, that happens with me a lot. but last week as i sat in front of the ocean and remembered what life has been and how God has been in it, all the people i have loved and am loved by, all the places i've seen and things i've gotten to experience, i remembered to remember that it was my life, not a story, and it was like grace filled up my soul. 'twas a good time. i love the beach.

now i just miss the love of my life, who is on the other side of the country being hilarious and eating a lot of hamburgers. when he's gone it feels a little like my arm is missing for the first couple days, and when there's no phone reception on top of it i start to get a little sadder than i would like. just because i miss him.
this too, is wonderful.

i don't really have anything to say- just felt like typing something... ellie's run is in two days, my mom's move is next week, kristine's shower is in two weeks, ryan is home in two and a half, kristine's wedding is in three and a half, and cleveland is in two months. lots to look forward to, lots to pray about. lots to be thankful for.

truth and beauty

2007-05-17T13:02:00.000-06:00

"They're so corny, the prayers. She admits it. She always says them to Jesus, and she says it's important to call Him that--not Christ or Lord or anything--because Jesus is the part of His name that embarrasses people to death when they use it alone, just Jesus. She says that underneath that embarrassment is the part of us that's revolted by Him. It's so damn queer. So you say Jesus to get that part out in the open where He can get at it." --Buechner

primary debates

2007-04-29T11:32:00.000-06:00

I am watching the Democratic Primary debates on MSNBC, and it's a little disheartening. So far, I wouldn't vote for one of these guys to be president of the PTA, much less the United States. And I'm wondering, almost doubtfully, whether the Republican Party has anything better.
One guy I've never heard of (fortunately) seriously just said that the United States needs to stop focusing on military and defense because it doesn't have any enemies.
Bill Richardson just said his first day in office-- first day-- he'd yank us out of Iraq.
And here comes Hillary. Who didn't really say anything, other than that the present administration is failing and that she was a Senator in 9/11.
Kucinich is saying we need to stop speaking in terms of "enemies" so that we can "really start to connect with people" which is a great personal philosophy but I'm not so sure it works for a world wrecked by dualing powers and war since Adam and Eve had kids, and is now warring with weapons that have the power to wipe an entire country off the globe.
Hillary did just give a very good response to a question about the "war on terror".
And now Kucinich is talking about how he wants to try to impeach Cheney! Because he violated the Constitution by sending us to war...?
Mike Gravel (dude I've never heard of) just said there is no hope against terrorism or drugs because both have been there "from the beginning" and so we need to devise new policies about dealing with international threats, implying that we shouldn't be focused on confronting terrorism at all. Fortunately this guy doesn't have a chance.

Sometimes I think I must just be really ignorant about politics, because it can't be possible that all of the candidates for Presidency are as stupid as I think they seem.

i love you

2007-04-28T23:26:00.000-06:00

When you haven't been able to say "i love you" for a time it seems like all of the original weight comes back into the words.. you feel the flutter in your chest just before you know you're going to say it, and it comes out, not like you read it-- just "iloveyou"--but with a little extra emphasis, and maybe some extra breath, on the "love", and more wonder in your voice than usual.

oh my goodness.

2007-04-21T14:30:00.000-06:00

I just saw this facebook page, courtesy of mini-feed:

	Future Hot and Submissive Housewives of America..and the Men who LOVE them!
Type:	Common Interest - Beauty
Description:	This is for all who recognize the characteristics of a perfect wife. We are proud of the duties, tasks and talents that God has blessed us with such as cooking, cleaning, being hot housewives and much, much more. We are often discouraged and brought down by our feminist friends that try to convince us that society has conditioned our thinking. Even though we are often taunted by our feminist friends, lets keep in perspective that we are going to be the lovely breeders of future generations to come..so here's a toast to us.... So go ahead Clorox, Tide, Dish soap, make your best stuff, cause us housewives will take you head on, and enjoy every second. We vow that we will scrub the kitchen from front to back in our stilettos, perfectly manicured fingers, flawlessly pedicured toes, tiny laced aprons, and love every minute of it. And for all those hearty working men out there, you can always depend on a good housewife to make you that ham, turkey, salami, and cheese sandwich in the middle of the day, you can count on us to have a gourmet dinner on the table when you arrive home from work, and most importantly, we will never, ever cut our hair short and try to resemble you, because YOU are the man in the relationship. So next time you’re driving the beautiful luxury car your gorgeous husband purchased for you, and you see a feminist riding her bike in the middle of the street lane, honk, remove your Versace sunglasses and without ruining you freshly finished manicure, whip out your bottle of Dom Pérignon Rosé champagne that your husband has graciously stashed in your glove compartment, and make a toast to the future lovely housewives of America---us!

I am cracking up. I think. I mean.. wow. The group has over 1,000 members and I don't know WHAT to say. Sure, these people have a right to their points of view and to be this if they want. Just the picture of a manicured, pedicured, made-up woman in stilettos and a tiny "laced fringe" apron scrubbing the floor with clorox..
Lord help any man who ever had this dream concerning me. ;)

one of my old favorites

2007-04-20T11:41:00.000-06:00

should i be bold enough to speak
in this moment
a reverent heart must surely be unbroken
with no regrets
should i be lost in forgetfulness, with no regrets
in my head, faithfully shed?
should i be rich, or poor and scattered
in my dreams?
why laud the failures that surround me?
live unguarded, with no regrets
should i be lost in forgetfulness, with no regrets
in my head, faithfully shed...

i'm free
from the worry
free from the dark that lives in me
free to embark on the passion You've favorably fashioned in me

no regrets, should i be
lost in forgetfulness
with no regrets in my head
faithfully shed

this morning was a lovely and much needed morning, and right now i am remembering, just remembering, everything that i love, the passions in my heart i did not create, the people that i love, the comraderie that we have ('comraderie' is one of my new favorite words), and the peace (in the midst of being mildly terrified) of doing what i need to do.

things to love

2007-04-19T17:00:00.000-06:00

right now.

-reading people's journals, feeling like i am getting some kind of inside info on what's going on in their lives
-sunshine and fair weather
-really, REALLY good books. good Lord.
-reconnecting with old friends
-measuring my worth by who made me alone, and then forgetting to think about my worth altogether and enjoying life.
-very cool temporary jobs and prospects
-new friends
-the uncertainty of my heart and adventure of following through.
-emails about Europe
-fitting into a hot dress that hasn't fit for a while
-breathing hard, pushing my muscles where they don't want to go and dripping sweat
-studying and learning all over again
-good food
-the approaching maytime and summer
-new music and good mix cds in the works
-my very rational, very fun, and very loving roommate who does not laugh at me when i am ridiculous, unless i need her to
-relearning the guitar
-rethinking what i thought and being able to separate reality from culture
-knowing i have done all i can do and the time for worrying and trying to fix is past
-daydreaming about fabulous adventures and a lifetime to have them in
-knowing i am making one of the overly happy posts that everybody hates, and i love it! ;)

mmmmmm. breathe deep the breath of God. (does anybody remember that song?)

Anger.

2007-04-08T17:59:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking today a lot about anger. Because I am angry at someone. Not pettily, not irritated, not looking for someone to blame for my issues, but genuinely and (i think) righteously angry. And I saw him earlier and started thinking about the nature of anger, the nature of our society, the nature of God, and where that all should meet.

It used to be nearly a virtue, I think-- a right reaction to very wrong circumstances that drove men to defense and action. You see it some when men find their wives being abused by another man or when people get worked into fury over issues of injustice or poverty. But I still think that we don't see it much, anymore, and I don't even know if I've ever known how to be it. I always get stuck in the "I should forgive" train of thought, but it's Jesus I learned that from and He certainly got angry; the phrase "wrath of God" didn't come from nowhere. That, or I get stuck in pity-- in "putting myself in the other person's shoes." I can't say harsh things because if someone said them to me, I would be hurt. Or I would feel bad about myself. But I just realized-- literally, like 10 minutes ago-- that "put yourself in their shoes" isn't a Biblical mandate; it's a mantra from preschool, and it comes with a heavy flaw: namely, that if I were in their shoes, things would be a hell of a lot different because it would be me and not them, and in this particular situation I would act a whoooole lot differently. There are, so to speak, no shoes to put on.

It isn't generally acceptable in Christian circles to be really angry, I don't think. Neither is it in societal circles, for totally different reasons; and we ourselves probably rarely experience genuine anger and rarely want to because it is so unpleasant. People get pissed a lot, or angry and bitter in general, inside-- but I'm talking about justified fury, here. That, you don't see much. That's what I'm wondering about.

In That Hideous Strength, C.S. Lewis wrote of a man who encounters another who is very rightly angered over something the man has been a part of:

It may seem strange to say that Mark, having long lived in a world without charity, had nevertheless very seldom met real anger. Malice in plenty he had encountered, but it all operated in snubs and sneers and stabbing in the back. The forehead and eyes and voice of this elderly man had an effect on him which was stifling and unnerving. He had hitherto referred to those in opposition to what he was a part of as whining and yapping; he had never had enough imagination to realize what the "whining" would be like if you met it face to face.

Yes. Real anger we very seldom meet. Consequently, I don't know what to do with it. Certainly, fantasizing about all of the things I would like to say or do during prayer time at church is not the answer. But what is? What do I do with that unfurling of "pity" in my gut when I'm given opportunity to act, and what is acceptable action? How do I deal with the boiling blood and the seeing red and the desire that somebody understand the consequences of his actions, today? I don't know. I just keep telling the Lord I am angry and hoping for some kind of wisdom about what to do with it.

Thoughts?

Seriously? Seriously.

2007-04-06T11:45:00.001-06:00

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040402306.html