bliss.

I spent the afternoon languishing (the word is appropriate, I swear) by the pool with about a gazillion other sun worshipers. Then I swam some laps. I am gaining my muscle back and really enjoying the feel of being one with my body again--making it do whatever it is I feel like doing.
Now, I am on the couch with Jason Mraz and some watermelon and an oversized tshirt, enjoying singed skin, waiting for Ryan to drive up in the Scout I can hear all the way from the interstate, to ride over with no top (on the Scout, not me) to the park to kick a ball around and then go jump into another pool and see Nathan Shirai and then grill out.

There is no expression strong enough to insert here. I love the summertime with my whole being. :)

Just felt like sharing.

Raw Material

It is as well to put this the other way round. Some of us who seem quite nice people may, in fact, have made so little use of a good heredity and a good upbringing that we are really worse than those whom we regard as fiends. ...God does not judge [a man] on the raw material at all, but on what he has done with it. --C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Yikes.

Your Daily Dose of Genius

From C.S. Lewis' Lilies That Fester:

'Hypocrisy is not the only evil they encourage. There are, in 'piety' and 'culture', states which, if less culpable, are no less disastrous. In the one we have the "Goody-goody"; the docile youth who has neither revolted against nor risen above the routine pietisms and respectabilities of his home. His conformity has won the approval of his parents, his influential neighbors, and his own conscience. He does not know that he has missed anything and is content. In the other, we have the adaptable youth to whom poetry has always been something "set" for "evaluation." Success in this exercise has given him pleasure and let him into the ruling class. He does not know what he has missed, does not know that poetry ever had any other purpose, and is content.

Both types are much to be pitied; but both can sometimes be very nasty. Both may exibit spiritual pride, but each in its proper form, since the one has succeeded by acquiescence and repression, but the other by repeated victory in competitive performances. To the pride of the one, sly, simpering, and demure, we might apply the word "smug." My epithet for the other would, I think, be "swaggering." It tends in my experience to be raw, truculent, eager to give pain, insatiable in its demands for submission, resentful and suspicious of disagreement... And perhaps both types are less curable than the hypocrite proper. A hypocrite might (conceivably) repent and mend; or he might be unmasked and rendered innocuous. But who could bring to repentance, and who can unmask, those who were attempting no deception? who don't know that they are not the real thing because they don't know that there ever was a real thing?

...Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds.'

Sunday.

I have conflicting feelings about the weather, today. My skin is so relieved to feel warmth and sunshine when I go outside. I feel more alive than I have in months, as though something inside is rolling over and coming out of hibernation (I'm telling you- I am a summertime girl, at heart!). But it's February 8th, and it's just a tease. And in a couple of days, it is going to be bitterly cold again. And I am going to be so sad.
I identify entirely with animals that sleep the whole winter. I could do it if I was allowed to.

But today is rousing visions and memories of summers in the South. My mouth is watering for a burger, and I would do just about anything to be sitting on the river on a boat with a coke in my hand, surrounded by the people that I love, with my skin feeling singed and browned and my hair crunchy, feeling the undulating of the boat over the waves and the hum of the motor. Just about anything.

Summer in the South is about friendship, family, and being outside. It is sitting on a dock, porch, boat, or lawn all day long, feeling the day stretch on and on, surrounded by your nearest and dearest and not wishing to be any other place in the whole world. It is sitting quietly with a beer, coke, or iced tea in your hand, watching the sun set on the water or behind the trees, hearing cicadas and crickets coming out, feeling exhausted and also tingly with being alive. If there are kids around, they will be catching fireflies and playing ball or tag, and their laughter will mingle with the evening sounds and drift around the neighborhood or across the water to neighboring docks and boats. Dinner is grilled chicken, steak, or burgers. Sometimes there's a fire after dark, and the conversation and company will continue under the stars.
Company, here, isn't about impressing anybody or being anybody. There is no pressure to perform, no cattiness, no drama and no pretense. It is just about loving the ones you're with, shooting the breeze, laughing it up, being genuine, having a blast.
It's amazing how easy it is to sit and talk all day long, how possible it is to feel completely satisfied with the company and the activities for the day, to feel that of all the places you could be and of all the things you could be doing, this is the best of both.


I miss the summer, and I love the South.

I love all things Spanish.

Seriously. I am fascinated by the culture. The food, the dark eyes and hair, the music, the language, the dancing. Oh, the dancing. The Y has a class called Zumba that is basically a cardio dance class, and tonight's was taught by a Brazilian woman. And I mean, I know it was an exercise class- but it was set to Latin music and most of it was variations on salsa dancing, with a little booty droppin' mixed in. I LOVED IT. There is nothing sexier (lightheartedly sexy, you understand... I am not trying to seduce the class) than Latin dancing, and nothing more fun. I will fo' sho' be going back.

I tried to get people to start going salsa dancing once a week last year, but it didn't really work out.. It's too far away, I think, which is too bad because it was so much fun.

I have also wanted to learn Spanish since the summer before my freshman year of college, but apparently never really put forth the effort.. I would really like to change that this year. I'd love to eventually be fluent.

I should've been born someplace with more flava. :)

Also, yes, hi, I am writing a blog. Maybe a lot of things will change this year...

2009 is starting off well.

Goal for the year: that It's Amazing What Can Happen When You Get Off Your Ass. will be an appropriate title to sum it all up.

So far, so good!

Happy New Year!

random

http://www.eso.org/public/outreach/press-rel/pr-2008/pr-46-08.html

We-- spirit and breath, dust and blood--are sitting on a giant rock hurtling through space amongst flaming balls of gas, all orbiting around a gigantic ball of absolute nothingness.

This is profound to me.

Thought of the Day (Week?)

"Justice is what love looks like in public."

(I might alter it with "mercy" instead of "justice"... but they are both true.)

World Next Door Market

Hey friends. I don't really know who reads this thing, but for those of you who do-- I want to tell you about something cool. 

A very dear friend of mine, Nathan, and his wife Jency work for a shop in downtown Chattanooga called the World Next Door Market. Their story is a very cool one, as God put them together and then basically orchestrated their work simultaneously--but what I want to talk about is the store. 

The mission of the store, from what I gather, is basically twofold: to help relieve poverty around the world by establishing a fair-trade outlet for artisans, with whom they work to build relationships, AND to spread the Gospel to those who haven't heard, by way of this work. The shop carries goods from all over the world, ranging from coffee to clothing to canoes to dishes to stationary... you name it. It's all hand-crafted in some way or another, and it's all very much cooler than what you can buy at Target. And when you buy it, you're saving somebody from hunger rather than supporting the corporate machine. Interested yet?

Ryan and I got to sit down with Nate and Jency the other night and talk to them about their work, and I was really struck by how straightforward and effective it is. They are really interested in providing fair revenue to people, but they are also simultaneously very interested in the people. The Shirais seek out people who are helping their own communities with their business, and they are also very intentional about taking the love of Christ with them to wherever they provide business. And both of those things get done. It works. And as the business grows, it makes both missions more possible, as they'll be able to visit some of the places themselves and meet the people, love on them, and share Jesus with them. 

Pretty awesome. Forgive the long-winded post, but this is where you come in: Buy stuff. ;) Or if you don't want to buy stuff, just spread the word, because it's definitely a word worth spreading, and word of mouth is by far the best advertisement. Go take a look around their website, look at their merch, check out their mission and their blog... and then link to them on your blog or website. You can even just copy and paste what you've found here to make it easy. If you have friends who are shopping, point them that way- I guarantee you they'll find something cool. And if you're shopping, same story! 

Thanks for reading guys. It really is a cool thing. Helping people is fantastic; giving them Jesus while you do it is the end-all of fabulous.

If you want to hear more about it from one of them, I know they'd love to talk to you about it so contact them through the blog or the website. Otherwise, shop it up and spread the word!

Hopeful.

I applied for my dream job, last weekend. I didn't know I had a dream job, but when I saw it-- for this season in my life, oh, it's perfect. The only problem being that 500 other people will probably apply for it, too, and many of them will have more years of qualifications than I do. But I am hoping that passion counts, too, and that it will come through in the application and cover letter. And, of course, that God has a plan, and that He might convievably even care about this recent little dream of mine!

The job is with Compassion International, as a Church Relations Director for the South/Southeast region of the U.S. Basically, my job would be to establish and maintain relationships with 100+ churches in the region on behalf of Compassion, convincing them to partner with us to work at relieving the extreme situations of thousands upon thousands of children internationally. I'd also be doing some international travel. 

This job is perfect because:

 1. I discovered about 3 years ago that a huge portion of my heart desires to be a motivator to the [American] Church; to help her get over any stagnation or prejudice and act on behalf of world relief, because that is [at least a large part of] what she is here to do. And that would be my job. My job would be to do what I am passionate about doing. Are you kidding?

2. I love, love, love to travel. This job is 40% travel. Does not require further explanation.

3. My job would make a difference in the world. A big one. I would get to work with Christians, build relationships, and help people reach out to make a difference. This means that on the best days, I'd be a fireball of energy, but also that even on the worst ones-- you know, when it's raining outside and you're exhausted I don't want to get out of bed--I'd know that what I am going to do that day is going to change somebody's life, somewhere. And that's worth getting up for.

I just checked the status of my application online and it says, "being reviewed." I'm so antsy, so hopeful.. that kind of hope that feels ridiculous (what are my chances?) but is also so very possible that I just can't help but hang on to it. I want to call Compassion and tell them: I know I can do this job well! I know I can get people fired up; get them involved; help you reach your goals, make a difference in the world! That's what I was made to do!

But I'm refraining. So right now, and until I hear something, there is just a constant undercurrent of prayer to my days of, "Please, oh please, please, please..." And a hope that God, for whatever reason, has favor in mind with me on this one! 

If you wanted to do the same, I wouldn't stop you. :) 

you drink the cup to the bottom, but it burns in your hands. the cup was poured out on the Maker instead.

when i have nothing left, there is this one line of burning, wondrous truth that fills my cup up. and i am full. 

out on the green plains, i am but a ghost, bound up with all that i call 'mine'... but still the Light grows. 

the flaming lips

oh to fight is to defend;

if it's not now then tell me when 

would be the time that you would stand up and be a man?

for to lose i could accept

but to surrender, i just wept

and regretted this moment, that i, i played the fool

'cause i'm a man, not a boy

and there are things you can't avoid

you have to face them when you're not prepared to face them

i can't tell where the sunbeams end and the starlight begins

it's all a mystery

lots of lyrics lately. yes, i know they're ambiguous to everyone but me. it's okay.

it would be a lie

and heaven knows, heaven knows

i've tried to find a cure for the pain

oh my lord, to suffer like you do

it would be a lie to run away

it would be a lie to run away

oh love that will not let me go

i rest my weary soul in Thee

i give Thee back the life i owe

that in Thine ocean depths its flow may richer, fuller be!

oh joy that seekest me through pain

i cannot close my heart to Thee

i trace the rainbow through the rain

and trust the promise is not vain, that morn shall tearless be!

oh cross that liftest up my head

i dare not ask to fly from thee

i lay in last life's glory dead

and from the ground there blossoms red life that shall endless be!

I like updating from the airport. It makes me feel sophisticated and world-traveling. 

;) I'M GOING TO THE BEACH! 

See you when I get back. 

till the darkness bleeds daylight

Things happening in Cape Town

I just like knowing things like this that are going on in the world. (P.S. You can be a part of it... www.mochaclub.org). wonder if there's a possibility of doing some sort of practicum at the Living Hope Center. Holy cooooooow, that would be incredible.

Happy Easter

Praise to the One who paid my debt, Who raises life up from the dead!

tell them that the house is not for sale

friends are not just friends. they are also concepts, ways of life, aspects of your personality. sometimes they are entire eras.

that is why one afternoon can make you feel both strange and at home, why something you thought was so very specific feels like it alters your whole world. because in some way, it does. 

and it is good. 

talking crazy on the driver's side

i should be studying for a microbiology midterm. i really should. but i am reverting to old habits, and so instead, i'm not studying. i am doing anything else i can find to do but study. this is not good. 

i just keep thinking about how beautiful my life has been. the last few days, i have been thinking of college, particularly, at belmont.  what a phenomenal, heartbreaking, soul-forming, joyful, fun, hilarious, tragic, breathtaking and beautiful time that was. today i found myself almost in tears with the longing to go back there and watch it all over again.. not live it, necessarily, but just watch it all happen so i could appreciate it more. 

i kept thinking of freshman year, of being so.. fresh.. and so scared and so excited all at once. of the incredible thing that happens when you go to a place where you know no one, and make all these friends from all over the country, people who will eventually or sometimes immediately change your life. i remember meeting some of them precisely; i remember the first words they said to me. others i have no idea how friendship happened; i just know that it did. 

i keep in touch with none of them the way that i should, and many of them probably don't even have any idea how much they mean to me. i should fix that.

there was laura from chicago, fallon from arizona, sheila from california, erin from florida, sara from pennsylvania, becky from indiana, tiffany wharton from.. i have no idea where she's from, but i really liked her. (later. at first i did not. i can't remember why. i think she complained because our music was too loud.). kristine from virginia/maryland. beth from pennsylvania, collett from georgia, bridget from pennsylvania. justin tam from california, tripp from nashville, matt from.. somewhere. emmy from nashville.  and later, lucy from tennessee, lauren from new jersey, nathan and cliff from my hometown, caleb from... california? i know you lived there for a while.. people from just everywhere, is my point, and a hundred more i've left out, and somehow we all got along and some of us even came to love each other. amazing. 

do you know, i used to walk around campus and hear some of the best music you'd hear anywhere? obviously, some of you do know. you were there. but in case you weren't. people would sit outside and just play and sing.. the guitar, the cello, the violin, the bongos (does anybody else remember bongo girl?), the mandolin, the steel guitar. just sit, outside the music building or in the middle of the quad or smack in the middle of a hallway, for that matter, and play their hearts out. it was amazing. i sat in the lobby of my dorm with chris rice, backstage at a charity showcase with kathy mattea and mike-y smith, in a young life christmas party with most or all of jars. not that those things matter, really, but come on. it was awesome for us, and it should have been. 

anyway. the late nights, the filthy rooms, the birth of nicknames (that have stuck), heartbreak, lasting love, good and bad music, first drinks, surgeries, deaths. impromptu cafeteria songs (thank you, pat gann, why did you have to leave?), road trips, professors you could learn from AND talk to, professors you couldn't (no thanks are offered to you, 'professor' real-estate-whose-name-i-cannot-even-remember). some REALLY awkward conversations, often thanks to me.. hahahaha. and some wonderful ones. sitting with two of my best friends' heads in my lap with tears in their eyes, hating that they were hurting but being so very glad they trusted me enough to do that.

 people got speeding tickets in my car. people peed in it. not intentionally. actually, that may have been the same person. people went 38 hours without any sleep and got captured on video.people went on road trips with insane people who happen to be the boyfriends of other insane people (jackie, why WERE you sitting with your nose in the corner under your bed that time i walked into your room?). people came home with me and lived at my house for the weekend. we sat and sang in stairwells, we prayed for each other, we went to doctor's appointments with each other. we lived together. functionally. (sometimes.). we bought a trampoline. i gained 15 pounds of pure wendy's by halfway through the first semester. weekly time with laura dudich, now grant, from first semester to last. she is still the only person i know who understands some parts of me. the opening concert of senior year, tim wildsmith, standing next to erin and knowing this is it. london. graduation. 

i just cannot get over it. it was phenomenal. i do not want to forget, or to completely lose the people i came to know. i am thankful to remember so much. i wish i remembered more. 

anyway. i guess maybe now i will go study. maybe. 

as you go your own way, remember do not be afraid. because you're right where you should be: in capital city. 

i will always love you, like a long goodbye.

august and everything after

It was Valentine's Day yesterday, and for some reason I am picking this occasion to start posting again. At least, posting again once. Who knows if it'll continue. 

It was a long day today, but I am tired in a pleasant sort of way (and not trying to rhyme, really). It has been a long couple of months, but I am happy. And yeah.. there WAS growth. 

Anyway, I love Valentine's Day and always have. It's just a sweet day. All the way back to second grade when we decorated shoeboxes to bring in (I think I still have mine) to keep all our Valentines in, to taking part in friends' Valentines through the years (so sweet) to yesterday's beautiful bouquet of tulips and roses from SPHV (Super Punk Hooker Valentine) who I love so much it hurts, and heart-shaped container of my favorite chocolate (ferrero rocher) from Carson, my sweet little 3 year old friend. Awwww. Any day dedicated to love is all right with me. 

I am studying for midterms and applying for scholarship this weekend, and I am going to the beach in 2 weeks. Praise. God. I can't wait. Lazy drives on Gulf Blvd, sand, ocean, slurpees, books, sushi, cuban sandwiches in bathing suits, and fabulous boyfriend with his fabulous parents. Oh, joy, please come faster. 

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day! I hope yours was as good as mine.